Letter to a bank manager

Here is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank
Manager thought it funny enough to have it published in the New York Times.



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the
procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that
I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to
access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
which you will notice, is very much like yours.

My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To
transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call
to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if
I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access
my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to
the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options
1 through 7 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a length wait, uplifting music will play for
the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of
Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which
you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by
passing some costs back.

First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will
read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be
billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check,
will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to
keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,

(Name Withheld)