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The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sardar Jokes
The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Long live bachelors !!!
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? " She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs... .."
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled "It really works ! "
YOUR SMILE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND._._._ .MAKE IT SOME ONE ELSE'S TOO !
BE HAPPY,IT'S ONE WAY OF BEING WISE,
.
__,_._,___
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? " She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs... .."
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!
--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled "It really works ! "
YOUR SMILE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND._._._ .MAKE IT SOME ONE ELSE'S TOO !
BE HAPPY,IT'S ONE WAY OF BEING WISE,
.
__,_._,___
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
How English gets butchered all over the world
English is a global language, however each region tends to perform a literal translation of their native tongue into english, resulting in often funny outcomes.
Here are a few of the Creative Translations...
Hong Kong dentist - Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
Budapest zoo - Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, please give it to the guard on duty.
Acapulco - The manager has personally passed all water served here.
Instructions on a multipurpose knife in Japan - Caution: Blade Extremely Sharp! Keep out of children.
Germany's Black Forest - It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in the tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo - When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby - The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Swedish furrier - Fur coats made for ladies from their skins.
Bangkok dry cleaners - Drop your trousers here for best results.
Copenhagen airline office - We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Here are a few of the Creative Translations...
Hong Kong dentist - Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
Budapest zoo - Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, please give it to the guard on duty.
Acapulco - The manager has personally passed all water served here.
Instructions on a multipurpose knife in Japan - Caution: Blade Extremely Sharp! Keep out of children.
Germany's Black Forest - It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in the tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo - When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby - The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Swedish furrier - Fur coats made for ladies from their skins.
Bangkok dry cleaners - Drop your trousers here for best results.
Copenhagen airline office - We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Top 10 Computer Viruses - Funny
Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again
Ronald Reagan Virus - saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism"
Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Congressional Virus - The computer locks up, and the screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard, or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
Paul Revere Virus - Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
Ronald Reagan Virus - saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism"
Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Congressional Virus - The computer locks up, and the screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard, or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
Paul Revere Virus - Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
Sunday, April 4, 2010
What is confidence?
What is confidence?
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that
the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature
pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is
then told, privately, that their company's software is running the
aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the
aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why
he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,
he replies :
"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!! !
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that
the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature
pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is
then told, privately, that their company's software is running the
aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the
aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why
he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,
he replies :
"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!! !
Thursday, April 1, 2010
English a funny language
THIS IS GREAT!!!
Read all the way to the end..............This took a lot of work to put together!!!
You think English is easy???
. . .. a new twist
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the sub ject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP< SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"> for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special .
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close itUP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may windUP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .....
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP..
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so......it is time to shut UP !
Oh . . . one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you
do at night? U-P
Read all the way to the end..............This took a lot of work to put together!!!
You think English is easy???
. . .. a new twist
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the sub ject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP< SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt"> for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special .
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close itUP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may windUP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .....
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP..
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so......it is time to shut UP !
Oh . . . one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you
do at night? U-P
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